I had a major epiphany a few years after I began studying yoga. It was about how we women tend to find ourselves in unhealthy patterns where we are completely attached to unavailable men–and it’s our fault! I discovered that this state of being is the state of Samsara.

What is Samsara?

Let me start with a little background. When I began studying yoga and Eastern philosophies, I was introduced to the concept of Samsara. My basic understanding is that Samsara is the state of suffering here on Earth for human beings that come back again and again through reincarnation. That is the “religious” explanation. But if we investigate this concept further apart from any “religious” inclinations, I think we will find that there is much truth at the core of this idea regardless of what one’s spiritual beliefs are.

Samsara is also a state of being attached to things that can be lost or desiring things that we do not have. Being attached to things that can be lost is really only a problem when we lose them–and everything can be lost! Desiring things we do not have is never really productive. It creates a state of hoping versus having, that keeps us further removed from attaining the very things we desire.

To get a formal definition of Samsara apart from what I already know, I went to the Wikipedia page for Samsara and found these descriptions: continuous flow, continuous pursuit, continuous stream of consciousness, continuous but random drift of patterns, desires, emotions, and experiences, to flow on, perpetually wander, and mundane existence full of suffering and misery.

It is interesting to see how a common theme here is continuous drifting, which is a great parallel to the state of our minds under normal circumstances. This is what those who study Eastern philosophy often call the “monkey mind”, a mind that is not focused and constantly drifting. In fact, a recent study has shown that people are happiest when their minds are focused. Meditation, a central practice of Eastern philosophy, is about strengthening the mind’s ability to focus and keep from drifting aimlessly from one random thought (or worry) to the next. This drifting is a part of Samsara and becoming conscious of it is the first step to moving past moving past suffering in life and in relationships.

Samsara and Relationships

I used to have a pattern of choosing guys who were somehow unavailable. I would “suffer”, wishing and hoping that somehow things would work out with whichever man I was attached to at the moment. I was unable to truly enjoy moments with family and friends unless I was envisioning a bright future with the guy I was pining for.

And then one day something really interesting happened….I found myself in a committed relationship with a guy that I had been pining for and dreaming of having a relationship with for years. And it first it was great–but then the thrill of finally having a relationship with him wore off, and I realized that we weren’t exactly a great match. After all those years of pining for him and envisioning a bright future, I realized so clearly that my “suffering” all those years had been an illusion. I had been attached to an idea, a hope, a dream about this guy, that wasn’t even real. I believed that I wouldn’t be complete or happy until we were together–but that certainly wasn’t the answer. Having a relationship with him wasn’t the answer to my happiness and a perfect life.

You would think this would be a simple lesson to learn. We’ve all heard things like, “Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.”

It seems silly to base your happiness on an external circumstance, like having a relationship with a specific person. And yet, even though I know this, I find myself being confronted with this lesson over and over again in more subtle degrees each time. I think all of us are constantly faced with this lesson in one way or another.

How to Tell if You’re in Samsara

According to some definitions, we are all in Samsara all the time, as long we are here on Earth and have not achieved spiritual liberation. We are in Samsara, when we “future think” and believe we won’t be happy until some goal is achieved or some wish fulfilled, no matter what it is.

I’m going to use a looser definition here for the purpose of us girls who get too caught up pining over an unavailable guy (which is a phenomenon by the way–no it’s not just you!). My definition is that you are in Samsara if you are:

* Obsessing over a guy’s actions
* Analyzing memories of interactions that went wrong/could have gone differently
* Believing your life is not complete without this particular guy
* Putting your life on hold until this guy wants a committed relationship with you
* Overthinking what you say and do with this guy
* Believing this guy is the *ONLY ONE* for you
* Being unable to enjoy yourself if things aren’t going the way you want them to with this guy

If you find yourself doing any of these things DO NOT beat yourself up. Even if you know this stuff already, you will do this again at some point. And again. We’re wired as human beings to be this way. You are not alone.

In meditation, your mind will inevitably wander from its focus. Seasoned practitioners advise not getting upset with yourself for letting your mind wander–just bring it back into focus. Life itself is like a meditation. Notice when you are living in Samsara and bring yourself back to true wisdom. I found this word: avidya , which means ignorance of one’s true self. This can lead to ego-consciousness (the monkey mind) and disconnection from Source. This basically describes getting caught up in Samsara.