Recently I’ve started to pay more attention to how I communicate with myself. This means paying attention to the internal dialogue in my mind, and the way my body and emotions respond and vice versa.

If you start to pay attention to your own internal dialogue, you will start to notice patterns emerge. You may find that you have different “parts” within yourself reacting to a given situation, and they can even be in conflict. Some examples are your masculine versus feminine side, your doing versus being side, your inner optimist versus your inner pessimist, your heart versus your mind, etc. They could even be parts of other people incoporated into your self such as a parent or your inner child. Since there is more than one way/perspective to look at things, it is inevitable that you will experience inner conflict at some point between two sides or perspectives within you. I’ve noticed that communication that takes place inside of you can often mirror the way you communicate with a real person in the same situation.

Take for example the situation where you are about to embark on a new project like nothing you’ve ever done before. Most people have an inner pessimist, a voice that says, “You can’t do this. Who do you think you are? What makes you think you can do that?”

How do you communicate with that voice/side of yourself? There are several possibilities I can imagine. I can imagine a response of feeling inadequate, of agreeing, “Yes, that’s true. I can’t do this. What am I thinking?”, and proceeding to indulge in negative thinking and catastrophizing to the point of not being able to work on the project at all.

I can also imagine someone who says,”Who are you to tell me that I can’t do this? I can do anything! This is a ridiculous way to think!” And this person proceeds to start the project despite any doubts.

Another way to react, is from the perspective of someone who avoids conflict or shuts down. This reaction would be to “check out” and stuff down those doubts. This leads to a state of tension. You can still take action in this state, but there is an underlying discomfort. This avoidance of two perspectives within yourself would be played out with a real person by similar avoidance–maybe leaving the room when things get “too hot to handle”?

Of course, the healthy way to approach this would be to acknowledge the part of yourself that has doubts. And then take a deep breath and say, “I’ve got this. Maybe the old me couldn’t do this, but I can do this now. I intend to do this.” Using the word “intend” keeps you from fighting with the part of yourself that wants to point out that you are not doing what you want to do at the moment or are not capable. Recognize that this part of you wants to protect you from failure. Acknowledge this with compassion and continue to pursue whatever you wish.

You may find that certain perspectives/sides of yourself tend to come up repeatedly and that you tend to listen to one more than the other. For instance, I tend to listen more to the side of myself that wants to keep doing, keep pushing forward, even when it doesn’t make sense. I tend to ignore the part of me that wants to slow down, take a breather, and maybe change direction. I really have to focus on listening to this part of myself with conscious effort. I have found that ingoring this part of myself causes inner tension, because a part of me is frustrated. I am not slowing down and listening. I am creating a disconnect by not paying attention to all of my needs.

I recently had an experience where I felt torn about whether or not to keep an appointment. One side of me (the more being oriented side) felt like cancelling. It seemed like a waste of time. The more “doing” part of me wanted to keep the appointment out of curiosity. This is the part of me that hates to waste an opportunity, that wants to have the option even if it may not be the best option–just in case. I decided to experiment and check in with how I felt, if I imagined myself cancelling the appointment. This felt really good to me–I felt like a weight was being lifted off of my shoulders.

But then I began to discuss the decision with a friend, who seemed to be trying to convince me to keep the appointment. I started to feel tense again and realized that I was having the same convesation with my friend that I had just had internally with myself. I became aware that I often “bully” myself with shoulds and do things I don’t necessarily want to do, and that this can come internally and/or from others.

It has become clear to me that learning communication skills in order to communicate better with others is very similar to the communication skills that must be developed in order to communicate well within the Self. In the situation I mentioned above, I felt myself becoming swayed again to keep an appointment I didn’t want to, but I was able to use the same skills I use internally to communicate my decision to my friend and stick to it.